Emerging Female Leaders: Let's talk about 'Assertiveness'

​‘How can I be more assertive?’  So many women bring this question to coaching sessions, as they explore ways to grow their leadership skills. Indeed, cultivating assertiveness is an important topic. Because whether it concerns sharing expertise, opinions or ambitions, many women find themseslves holding back from expressing what is on their mind in meetings or when speaking with more senior colleagues. While there may be different reasons for this reluctance to speak out, the consequences are pretty much the same. When we routinely give ourselves a free pass to avoid spotlighting our ideas and our opinions, we are unwittingly reinforcing outdated ideas about women in the workplace – namely doubts about our leadership abilities. 

So there is a lot at stake here, and I have become deeply curious about what is stopping highly qualified hard working women from showing up in ways that their presence and contributions are fully seen and heard. What are the main barriers and how can we overcome them?
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Being Pushy vs. Adding Value
The word ‘assertiveness’ carries negative associations for many women, such as being pushy,  domineering, or imposing ideas on others. So while there is an awareness that ‘assertiveness’ is something we need more of, these limiting beliefs demotivate us from practicing a more pro-active and self-confident way of communicating.
 
To shift perspective, a simple and elegant way to reframe assertiveness is to think of it as ‘adding value’. In asserting your thoughts, ideas, opinions you are simply sharing what you are here to offer. The bottom line is that you got this job, have been promoted to this role or invited to this meeting for a reason: you are uniquely able to contribute something of value.

Reminding ourselves that ‘we all need each other’ can melt the barriers that pop up when interacting with more senior stakeholders. Practice shifting your awareness from interacting with a ‘role’ and focus on the human being in front of you. Notice what happens when you honor your exchanges as mutually beneficial, in the service of working together towards achieving your common goals.

Make it OK to be wrong
Another obstacle to expressing our ideas and opinions is the paralyzing terror of being wrong or making a mistake, and then ‘looking stupid’.  By asking ourselves some questions, we can start to deconstruct this limiting belief and weave together our own safety net to give ourselves permission to be wrong:

1. What am I expecting of myself?  Could  I be holding the bar higher for myself than for others?
2. When have I observed other leaders in my environment make mistakes or misjudge a situation? How do they react and communicate about it? What can I learn from them?
3. When I do make a mistake, what is my approach to owning it and contributing to solving it?
4. How do I reflect on what I have learned from mistakes? What kind of support do I need for that? 
5. What do others need to experience from me as a leader to continue to trust me, even when I have made a mistake?
6. What are the strengths, skills and experience that got me where I am today?

 
Getting comfortable with expressing our viewpoints in discussions, asking for what we need and sharing our vision and our ambitions, are core leadership skills for all genders. Focusing on the value you are adding and creating your own safety net to cope with making mistakes will help you to strengthen your ‘assertiveness muscle’.

Cultivating assertiveness can challenge some of the core messages we recieved growing up about how women should behave. It can be tremendously liberating to let go of ideas that no longer serve us, while recognizing that behavior change takes time evolve.  Remember to celebrate your successes!  And know that by adopting a healthy approach to assertiveness, you are a positive role model for other women on the path to leadership.
 
 This article is part of a series highlighting one of the 8 areas of focus: ‘Communication Skills’, on the Female Leadership Wheel™ a unique coaching tool to support women in their leadership development.  

Check out my previous article :  Emerging Female Leaders: Take Time to Map your Ambitions

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