Delighted to be here! How Women can Emotionally Prepare for Successful Negotiations

If you are a woman preparing for a negotiation, whether for a higher salary, project resources or a better work-life balance schedule, chances are you are not looking forward to it. Many women view negotiations as tense adversarial conversations, fueled by competitiveness, fear and even dishonest tactics. While men tend to relish stepping into the negotiation arena for a vigorous competition with winners and losers, women are more apt to describe negotiations like going to the dentist*: a chore to avoid as long as possible and get it over with as quickly as possible.

The dentist analogy definitely resonated with me. While I could be tough and demanding in many situations, asking for and getting what I believed was fair and well-deserved from someone in a power position was always a nerve-wracking experience and seldom led to a satisfying result.

That is until recently. After making one key shift in my approach to negotiating I have emerged from these conversations happy and energized, and pleased with the outcome. What had changed? Instead of my usual serious, circumspect demeaner, I was showing up in a positive mood, projecting a warm and friendly presence, delighted to meet my negotiating partners and eager to start the discussion. 

Of course I had done a meticulous preparation, checking my facts, shaping my arguments and anticipating areas of pushback. But I sensed that my positive and empathetic mindset was the main driver of getting the outcome that I wanted. I discovered that my welcoming and relaxed attitude towards my negotiating partner put them at ease on the one hand and conveyed a sense that I was confident and not going to be easily rattled, on the other.
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Let’s face it, negotiations can become very emotional. Our basic social needs such as being respected and valued are undermined when what we think we deserve starts slipping beyond our reach. And when being successful in everything we do is embedded in our identity, the spectre of emerging from a negotiation as a ‘loser’ can be crushing.

A way to protect ourselves from the emotional volatility of negotiations is to deliberately cultivate a positive mindset. When we prime ourselves for negotiations (or any kind of high-stakes conversation) by calling up positive emotions, it increases our brainpower, enabling us to think clearly, process information and generate creative solutions.
There are a few ways to cultivate positive emotions to prepare you for a negotiation.

• Recall a happy memory: Think of a place, a person or an event that brought you joy.  You might also have a photo or an image to look at to remind you of this positive thought.
• Spend time on an activity you enjoy beforehand: That could be walking in nature, running, playing music, cooking, gardening, dancing, yoga etc.
• Create some quiet time for yourself: What works for me, is spending a few minutes in quiet meditation, focusing on my breathing and aligning my head, my heart and my gut with my positive intention for the conversation.

Positive emotions don’t just work for you, they impact others.  Your positive mood coveys a sense of openness towards your negotiating partner and optimism that you can work together to achieve a satisfying outcome.  You may not always get everything you ask for, but you will increase the likelihood of a satisfying outcome. At the very least you will score a win on relationship-building. Next time you anticipate a negotiation remember to make cultivating positive emotions part of your preparation.
 
* As noted in the HBR article ‘How Women Can Get What They Want in a Negotiation’ by Suzanne de Janasz and Beth Cabrera, Aug. 17, 2018

This article is part of a series highlighting one of the 8 areas of focus: 'Negotiating Skills' on the Female Leadership Wheel™ a unique coaching tool designed in partnership with TCOInternational to support women in their leadership development.  

Check out my previous article: Emerging Female Leaders: Aligning with your values is not just about idenitity.

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